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 Post subject: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2017 5:23 pm 
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Dear all,

I have just drummed up enough support to start a new Bloodbowl league with all new players, so in order to have them appreciate the wonderful world of Bloodbowl I will be sending out a regular newsletter, something I did for a previous league before all my fellow coaches left for college and jobs. The newsletter features rules updates helpful hints and results. Alongside the information section I am including "Humorous" articles and obituaries, I thought I would share some of these to a wider audience than the 7 people who will otherwise read them.

I hope to raise a small smile or a groan. Here follows the first couple. If you would like to share your own that I can blatantly steal for my use (or not) that would be fun!

Demonstration Game

Flagelants from the Westbarrow Temple were picketing the game between Orcland Raiders and Nuln Saints claiming the god Sigmar hates The Empire because they have allowed the unholy sport of Bloodbowl to be played unchecked. Soldiers had to be called into quell the rioting before it could start as angry fans pelted verbal abuse and rocks. Sergeant Rotenswine said crowd control was necessary as he didn't want fans to be too tired to mount a proper pitch invasion when the game began and ruin everyones fun. Soldiers eventually corralled the religous fanatics onto the pitch for their safety. The Orcland Raiders mistook the protesters for their opponents, who had been trapped outside the stadium by the confusion, and the game started. After a period of pleading that this was not what they were here for they eventually got in the spirit of thing. After the game Von Felps, the leader of the sect, said it was actually quite fun, and that Sigmar had appeared to him while knocked out from a block thrown by orc blitzer Garak Scarpa, telling him to bloody get on with it because he wanted to catch the Reikland Reavers game and didn't want to miss the start.

MVP is Best in Show

The charity match for recent flood victims between The Moot Mighties
and Oldheim Ogres, sponsored by McCurty’s, turned into a 65 – 37 thriller. McCurty’s had offered free snacks to those at the game, which caused the immediate abandonment of the pitch during the kickoff by the Halfling and Ogre players, leaving only the Oldheim’s snottlings and Mighties’ treeman on the field. A small dog, believed to be owned by Mighties Coach Fred Burger and thought to have been brought as part of a sneaky plan to disrupt the Ogre’s game plan, escaped on to the pitch in the stampede. The dog chased the ball around the pitch pursued by the ineffectual snottlings, the treeman having taken root early on in indignation of having been used as a relieving post. The game lasted 5 hours, after the referee, ex Nurgle Rotter No Armed Jake, fell to pieces on the pitch and no one could be found who was willing to retrieve the stopwatch. The dog was named MVP for scoring all of the games
102 touchdowns and for racking up 8 casualties to the Oldheim’s
snottlings. The game eventually ended when the small dog curled up and went to sleep. Moot Mighties’ lineman, Jimmy the Stuffer, said after the game “It’s nice to watch someone else do all the running, while I get to eat delicious Big Moots!” Ogre Blocker Thuzull Legchewer when asked for comment replied “Hmm ummm mmmp!” as he continued to enjoy free samples.


Last edited by Mystic Force on Sat Feb 11, 2017 5:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Mystic force
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 5:39 pm 
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Based on the fact that no one has replied I am assuming that everyone has been so incapacitated by laughter they can no longer type.

I will dribble a few more of these out over time until someone yells uncle, you have been warned!

Obituaries
This month we note the passing of 13 members of the Lowdown Ratz, whose skaven team were accidentally identified as invading vermin instead of the opponents for the Middenheim Marauders by panicked stadium owners. The efficient services of Broggs & Son Exterminators, who incidentally became the new sponsor of the Marauders through their pie making division, accounted for the casualties. Once the mistake was realized apologies were quickly made and replacements found from amongst Lowdown's traveling fans. Lowdown Ratz went on to beat the Middenheim Marauders 3-1.


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 9:18 am 
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Just red them and I like them. :) Carry on sir!

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 Post subject: Mystic force
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 6:51 pm 
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To Dwarf all Others

Bloodbowl fans were treated to a tremendous spectacle before the Dwarf Giants took on the Darkside Cowboys. The dwarves showed off their new record breaking death roller. The new death roller is so large it takes 3 dwarves to drive, 5 to stoke it boilers and covers 2/3 of the width of the field. Large crowds turned up early for the unveiling. The referees guild handed over a plaque before the game officially recognizing the machine as the largest illegal secret weapon ever deployed in a game. After the celebrations, the game started with guest referee Henrich Schlafmutze, current president of the referees guild and ex player. His first retirement came after being killed while playing for the Nuln Saints in a game against the Champions of Death. He went on to have subsequent second succesful career with the Champions of Death. Unable to keep up with their running game after long service Henrich took up refereeing.

Henrich insited that the dwarf team place 3 players on the line of scrimmage, who were unfortunately killed by the new roller as the drive started, being too slow to move out of the way. The dark elves nimbly dodged out, allowing the machine past before Jarkas Stabiter jumped up to the chief driver delivering a fatal blow causing the death roller to go out of control, taking out 2 stands and 4 members of the Dwarf Giants waiting in the dug out. The Darkside Cowboys secured the ball from the dwarf half and moved down to the end zone where they waited until the end of the first half to cross the line and score.

Henrich then ceremonialy sent the remaining 7 dwarves off handing them certificates to commerorate the occasion.

The cowboys lined up for the second half against the lone surving dwarf and recieved the ball. Again they hung out near the endzone till the dying seconds to secure the 2-0 victory. The Haflings of the Moot Mighties will be the next team to face of against the death roller.


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 Post subject: Mystic force
 Post Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:03 pm 
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Ok its Friday afternoon and we all need a little something. Your homework is to find me an appropriate (?!) Picture to go along with the story below as I don't have any Chaos Dwarves to photograph. You can also help by coming up with a suitable (?!) Punny headline.

Thanks!

There are many people who are responsible for ensuring that the great spectacle of Bloodbowl is played before packed crowds, we might see the players and referees but their is an army of lesser sung heroes who make it all happen.

Amongst the lowest job is the army of pitch clearers who remove broken hemlets, custard pies, running chainsaws and occasional limbs between drives. Well there is one special addition to this crew when the Chaos Dwarves of Zhar-Naggrund Ziggurats come to town.

Remember how bears are famous for that activity they do in the woods. Well cows have a similar feeling about grassy fields. Grassy fields like the Zhar-Naggrund Ziggurats's Bull centaurs play on. So Dieter Kuhfladen is there with his bucket and shovel at every stoppage to clear up. Dieter Kuhfladen is not employed by the Zhar-Naggrand but is ceremonialy payed 1gps by the opposing players before the game. Often handed over by the player with the shiniest boots.

Dieter said "Over the years I have met many great players. Edril Sidewinder might not be able to remember who he is, but he certainly remembers me!" And "Griff Oberwald has always been kind to me. Making sure I have everything I need before the game" and added "Lord Borak is always jokeing with me how he will tear out my entrails, feed them to me before ripping out my heart and eating it on the line of scrimmage if I do not do a good job." He tells us that undead coaches are the pickiest, "They don't mind zombies dropping bits of brain around the place, but if the skeletons bring bull puckey into the dugout on their feet all hell breaks loose."


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:09 pm 
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love it !
keep them coming please :smoking:


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 1:18 pm 
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I enjoyed reading these. Please keep them coming. My favourite must be the Demonstration Game, that got an actual laugh out of me :)

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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:32 pm 
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great work! more please

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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 1:07 pm 
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Late comer to the thread but really enjoying them so far - Keep'em coming :D


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 4:28 pm 
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Great work these are Hilarious!


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:29 pm 
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Our intrepid newsletter staff have been on a trip to the home land of Albion. Brraking news will return soon. Watch this space.


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 Post subject: Re: Mystic force
 Post Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 2:38 pm 
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Mystic Force wrote:
Ok its Friday afternoon and we all need a little something. Your homework is to find me an appropriate (?!) Picture to go along with the story below as I don't have any Chaos Dwarves to photograph. You can also help by coming up with a suitable (?!) Punny headline.


Little bit late but how about this guy from the Hellcannon Crew?

Loving the little stories


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Wed Mar 29, 2017 6:25 pm 
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I like the Cannon Crew picture, suitably amoured up for removing the hazardous waste from the field, I envisioned (and named) them as Human, but a minor tweak and its all system go!

So now back with popular (?!) demand after my recent trip to sunny Albion (I saw the sun twice in 2 weeks) I will dump some more of my terrible sense of humour on you.

No Name Yet

Sigmarite priest Johan Geistliche was enjoying the game between the Nuln Saints and vampires of Casterien's Impallers when asked to bless fellow bloodbowl fans jerseys and other memorabilia to bring their team luck. However the myopic priest's aim was off and instead blessed a passing cloud. When it subsequently rained the vampire players all melted and the thralls suddenly released from the binding spell quickly fled. The Saints were able to overturn the 2-0 deficit to win the game. Fan Ludwig Maier, 27, told reporters "I guess my jersey was lucky, but not in the way I expected. " When reached for comment Giestliche was "disappointed." And added "I was really hoping for a Impaller victory today."

No Name yet either
Famous Celebrity Unrivaled Kollection have hired their latest celebrity double. F.C.U.K who specialize in Bloodbowl player impersonators, available to join your next corporate function, birthday party or funeral, are pleased to announce their latest addition is Lord Borak the Despoiler, however this is no mere doppelganger, but Lord Borak himself. Having heard about their attempts to find his likeness, he eagerly signed up, worried that his reputation might suffer from insufficiently evil impersonation and disappoint fans by failing to ritually sacrifice the functions VIPs. Lord Borak has had a busy off the field career, which has included agony uncle, with his much loved column, Zombway spokesman and founding the Fluffy Kitten Animal Shelter.


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 Post subject: Re: And now for something completely different......
 Post Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:06 pm 
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So it has been a while since I put up one of these now we are done discussing DZ2 its time for a little bad humour or humor for our new world Dark Elves, Amazons and lizardmen.

Obituary

This month we mourn the loss of Stefan Schmidt, perhaps the most successful fan in Bloodbowl history. Schmidt has inflicted 73 crowd casualties, led 17 succesful pitch invasions, thrown 29 rocks, gotten 32 refs, initiiated 47 riots and once managed to change the stadiums weather to dense noxious fog, after quote "A pretty good night out drinking beer and eating curry."

On his 18th pitch invasion however he was unfortunately bitten by a hungry Helmet Von Albsburg of Casterien's Impalers. Helmet was going off for a bite in the crowd, when the crowd suddenly came rushing to him, led by Stefan. Schmidt is now a thrall playing for the Impalers. We wish him a successful second act, however Bloodbowl crowds will never be quite the same again.


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