The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

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Sizzler
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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Sizzler »

The Winner's Diet

Our mothers have always told us to eat our greens, to exercise regularly and to stop wearing their clothes when they're out of the house. If we wanted to walk an unattainable career path like becoming a world class athlete or a functioning member of society then this could be considered good advice, however as we prefer to spend our weekends pushing little tiny models around a table we must disregard it and write our own rules.

The first is that the Winner's Breakfast should be as lethal to your stomach as it is possible to get without ingesting something that you bought from some Iranians in a car park. The more serious the stomach ache and the greater the duration of your torment the better. The second is that the Winner's Lunch should not exist, owing to the gastric cataclysm that the Winner's Breakfast will have unleashed upon you. Third and final is that the Winner's Dinner should only be acquired after fighting your way through a rabid pack of starving Warhammer players who think the term 'leave some for the rest of us' is some sort of obsolete rule from a previous edition.

By obeying these rules you will quickly become a champion. A sickly, emaciated champion.


Game 4 – Podfrey – (Undead)


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After a sedate evening in Liverpool and a pact among friends to never disclose the photographs that were taken it was time to address the new day. As the draw for round four had been published at the close of play the previous day I knew that I would be playing former World Number One and baby-making extraordinaire Geoff Porritt. Other men might quake at the prospect of facing such a Blood Bowling powerhouse but I was optimistic and looking forward to taking on the role of giantkiller.

However having traded in my stylish shirt for the bright sky blue polo shirt of the Waterbowl I would now be playing at a significant handicap. Gone was the well-cut image that I had presented on day one and instead I sat there, tired and with a side-parting that was at least four degrees off of its optimal angle, but still proud to be sporting my flamboyant league regalia.

I'm not one to brag. I don't like to toot my own horn or boast about my own talents or explain to people how I'm better than them in almost every sense. The number one quality demanded of a champion, after the ability to cure leprosy with a single touch, is modesty. So it would perhaps come as a surprise then to hear that Geoff Porritt had no answers to my vast and varied repertoire of Blood Bowl tactics. The man truly was out of his depth. The plan was easy. From the word go I had decreed that the best approach would be to sit back, preferably whilst looking dashing, and to let Geoff's players systematically fail every dice roll that concerned the ball. At first I was concerned that taking this route to victory would not contain enough machismo but soon settled into it. Besides, there would be plenty of time to look heroic when I was picking up my trophy.



Game 5 – Barney the Lurker (Lizardmen)

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Barney and I have played each other more times than I can count and he has always played second fiddle to my excellence. Always has he been the Watson to my Holmes, the Bonaparte to my Wellington, the Geordiebowl to my Waterbowl. It's a role he seems to slip into quite easily nowadays. Maybe he's tired of the relentless thrashings I deliver unto him or maybe he just submits to the better man out of respect. Maybe he has some sort of congenital condition that prevents him from winning at Blood Bowl. All and none of these questions would be answered when we sat down to play our nine millionth tournament game together.

Imagine that you have two blocking saurus on your team. Imagine that they're your best friends; you do everything together. You have picnics in the park and ride bikes in the city and share your deepest feelings with them. You laugh with them when they're happy, you cry with them when they're sad. There are no secrets between you – you've trusted each other since you were children and you swore that you'd be friends for the rest of your lives. Now imagine that they're gone because they were both blocked off the pitch on turn one. Now you're alone, you're frightened, you don't know what to do. The world is scary now, it's darker.

But in that darkness there is light. You take a leap of faith and stretch out your hand and somebody takes it – a diving tackling kroxigor. He's also fragile, like you, haunted by the spectre of betrayal. You don't know if you can love again, neither does the kroxigor, but you both slowly begin to open up. You're no longer afraid, you begin to think that maybe you can learn to trust again. And then the kroxigor is gone, blocked and killed in the second turn of the game.

And thus went the game for Barney. Yes, he was very unlucky, but even had his flagrant overuse of dodging AG1 saurus and his withering observations of the finer points of caging come to anything he would still have lost. I don't put much credence in the crackpot superstition of the 'Dice Gods' but if they were up there, looking down on us from their kingdom just below Heaven but just above the fortress of Ming the Merciless, then I think it's safe to say that they favoured me that day. It's a well established fact that the laws of probability will often bend in favour of champions and so I can only say that I got what was deserved - a 3-0 win and a tingly feeling inside after obtaining that most elusive of beasts – maximum available points.


So You're a Champion. What Now?


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Congratulations, félicitations, glückwünsche and whatever the Spanish call it. You should now have won a Blood Bowl tournament and be ready to stride headlong into a world of success, adulation and all the free shrimp you can get your hands on. You're not the same person you were before you started reading (and hopefully finished, this took bloody ages!) this guide. Your old life is gone now, you can never go back. Bright and beautiful things await you now: free airline upgrades, priority service at Little Chef (participating branches only), the ability to stand head and shoulders above anybody who has yet to win a tournament.

There is nothing more to teach you. Take the knowledge you have learned here today and share it. Or covet the information and sweep the spoils of victory all for yourself. This guide may not have been comprehensive, well researched or indeed of any use to anybody whatsoever but hopefully it will go some way towards helping you sort your life out. I mean just look at you, you're a disgrace.

But that's all for now folks. Thanks for reading, or as the French say, 'où est la bibliothèque?'

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Podfrey »

Absolute genius.

Off to buy me a side parting now.... :lol:

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Glowworm »

This thread should be printed, bound and placed in a book to be sold at future tournaments.

You, sir are a genius.

I am currently cultivating the required parting....

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Sizzler
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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

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Thanks for reading, everybody. I just get bored at night...

Keep an eye out for the audiobook coming this summer. The narrator will be that guy with the weird voice from Police Academy.

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The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by landrover »

Sizzler for Prime Minister of his country, or President-for-life of the world! Epic reading Sir Sizzler, epic.

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Pipey »

This has been thoroughly enjoyable reading from start to finish. Thank you, Sizzler!!

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by The Dazzler »

I hate to sound anything less than gushing ... but we're still waiting to hear what Tier 3 team you achieved this mighty feat with :D

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Loki »

Dear Auntie Sizzler,

I came to Bloodbowl late in life and to my eternal shame have as much chance of cultivating a dashing side-parting as ... well Podfrey for a start.

Do you have any suggestions that I could implement before this weekend that I might aproach that mythical level of flamboyant 'joie de vivre' required for me to win ARBBL ... well the Stunty Cup ... well not finish last ... OK I'll settle for not crying at the end of Game 6.

Yours Ernestly,
Yet another Blood Bowl Dave,
Bristol

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Sizzler
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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Sizzler »

Dear Dave,

Thanks for writing. Sadly a well maintained side-parting is a critical aspect of success and so it is with great regret that I tell you that you're doomed. Some people have claimed that placing a ficus plant on their head and brushing the leaves across their scalp like a wig has gotten them as far as third place, however these are unfounded rumours and have no basis in fact.

Best regards,

- Auntie Sizzler

:wink:

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Glowworm

Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Glowworm »

Dear aunty Sizzler,

I too an looking for advice on winning a cup at ARBBL. I think that by starting small I may, one day achieve the highs that only the titans of blood bowl like yourself have scaled.

Unlike Loki (AKA the quitter) I have the required parting, it's not as magnificent as some, but it's there....my problem is the "sickly emaciated" look, I have, of course taken all reasonable steps to achieve it, besides alcohol, kebabs and a complete lack of exercise I live an almost monk like existence but cannot get that pasty, dead fish completion and frail frame.

Please help Auntie Sizzler, I really need the opportunity to lord it up over lesser mortals such as Loki, Eski and of course Gazza..

Yours in desperation

Glowworm*
(*for the sake of anonimity, not my real name! Regards Simon)

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Sizzler »

Dear Glowing Simon,

Thanks for writing. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling to achieve that withered and malnourished look that is the hallmark of the winner. Your problem can be solved, however as the ARBBL is this weekend the methods required to give yourself a pallid complexion by then are extremely dangerous such as draining every drop of blood from your body or spending four hours in a static caravan in Wales and, as such, I cannot endorse them.

As a lesser remedy; do you have any clown make-up lying around the house?

Fondest wishes,

- Auntie Sizzler

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Shteve0 »

Dear Auntie Sizzler

I have the incredible fortune of living on the 'wrong' side of the planet. Thus far I have had little success with winning much of note and, though I hesitate to focus too closely on only one aspect of your winner's toolkit, I wonder if the specific gradient and longitude of my side parting might be partly to blame.

Have your extensive studies into this critical field of study shown any correlation between one's global position and one's optimal genus capillus? Might a centre parting reap better rewards in the equitorial regions, for example, with a reverse parting more favourable down under?

Yours hand-wringingly

Steve
41.2889° S, 174.7772° E

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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Sizzler »

Dear Upsidedown Steve,

Thanks for writing. Given your geographical misalignment it may be neccessary to carefully remove your side-parting, taking great care to keep it all in one piece, and then tape it to your chin. This may make you look silly but it will then be correctly oriented in relation to England where, as everybody knows, powerful rays of 'winshine' originate before being bounced off the moon and distributed across the globe.

You could also stand on your head but that might ruffle your magnificent parting.

Best regards,

- Auntie Sizzler

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Glowworm

Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Glowworm »

Dear Auntuie sizzler,
You, Sir are a genius of the highest order. With my newly cultivated side parting (sensible yet tempting) I strode into the lions den which was the ARBBL. To jeers of derision from the likes of VMCAT and other to insignificant to name I took my place at the gaming tables. Actually the quote was "Hey Glowworm whats with the hair?". I of course directed him to this thread.

6 gruelling games later (well 5 and 1 against SCs Sam) I am now the proud holder of the ARBBL stunty cup. If only I could have endured a stay in that caravan I wonder what I may have achieved.

All I can do is express my eternal gratitude Sir, If you ever need a kidney mine are at your disposal!!

Thank you in humility

Glowworm*
(*No, it is actually me, Simon)

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Sizzler
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Re: The Idiot's Guide to Winning a Blood Bowl Tournament

Post by Sizzler »

Dear Glowing Simon,

Congratulations on claiming that most noble of prizes. Do not thank me though. I am just the messenger. We are all champions in our own hearts, but some people are champions on the results sheet which is much more important.

Also, about the kidney; can I get that in writing? ;)

Best regards,

- Auntie Sizzler

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