I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

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I would love it... LOVE IT... if we beat...

Booty Batterers
1
3%
Team CACK
0
No votes
The Blackshirts
5
13%
Purple Manjbag
12
32%
Gazza's Tears
9
24%
Swim Team
5
13%
Marley's Angels
1
3%
The Stragglers
0
No votes
Team Scotland
2
5%
Teesside Alliance
3
8%
 
Total votes: 38

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Pipey
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I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Pipey »

Image

Which team would you most like to humiliate in front of their Blood Bowling peers?

Who's got it coming to them? Needs a reality check? Deserves a kicking?

Who would you choose, and why?

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SillySod
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by SillySod »

Gazza's Tears are the team to beat..... and Team Scotland always have it coming :P

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Victim of the Colonel's car boot smash. First person to use Glynn's bath.
Update: the Hartlepool family Glynn now has a virgin bath.

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Pipey »

I dunno... Manjbagglers seem a popular choice :x

:cry:

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phil78
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by phil78 »

Sillysod wrote:and Team Scotland always have it coming
You must have pretty low expectations of your team if a win over us is going to make your weekend :wink:

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by SillySod »

Achievable objectives and all that :P

Mind you, Scotland dodged us last time.

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Victim of the Colonel's car boot smash. First person to use Glynn's bath.
Update: the Hartlepool family Glynn now has a virgin bath.

Barney is a clever dog.
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by the beanbag »

WTF?! We have the BB Laureate amidst our number, how are we garnering the hate? Some kind of vote rigging is going on here...
Screw you all, we'll get Sizzler to write some really withering stuff about you all!

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Purplegoo »

Don't worry. Despite the Purple Picks being a long, long way away from the Sizzler's literary genius in terms of quality; they will nonetheless be withering. ;)

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by the beanbag »

We really do have the might of the pen behind us! I shall call you The Pen of the Fen, Goo :)

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Pipey »

the beanbag wrote:WTF?! We have the BB Laureate amidst our number, how are we garnering the hate? Some kind of vote rigging is going on here...
Screw you all, we'll get Sizzler to write some really withering stuff about you all!
Welcome to the tribalism of TRIBES! It's a captain's job to channel all available energies, both positive and negative, into his victory campaign. Plenty of material here for a Saturday morning motivational speech, n'est-ce pas?

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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Purplegoo »

In a world where the Sizzler has such an iron clasp on all things literary and is wowing his public on an ever more frequent basis; you’d think the common sense thing to do would be to take your coloured selections and hide them in the deepest sinkhole (there’s a joke about Indigo’s arse in there somewhere). However, I’ve never been accused of having any common sense. With no further pre amble (there is more than enough rubbish below, I assure you), it’s time for;

Purplegoo's Purple Picks – MonkeyBowl 2013 Edition!

Fair Hartlepool will once again play host to the greatest competition since the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny. But what you need is sweet, sweet predictions in order to know what’s going to happen before it happens. It’s no fun actually waiting for results, is it? So eyes down, look in, nothing in this game for two in a bed, and what is a hotspot not?

Booty Batterers – Wightlord (capt.), Shaniepoo, Thechosengobbo, BIG PETE

The first of our ten TRIBES (or so Brendan INSISTS ON SHOUTING IT) are a tight bunch that have all of the possible team spirit and experience that collectively being obsessed with Pippy’s backside can bring. This column has a fractious relationship with this quartet; and previously when I’ve predicted poor things, they have come back and bitten me in the bum. There it is again, the third reference to ‘bums’ in one page of waffle. This is worse than a Carry On movie fused with a Benny Hill sketch. But that is exactly how this four like it; the Booty Batterers thrive on tying opponents up in innuendo knots before pounding them into the dust with glorious touchdowns. Will we see the fabled all Snotling roster this year from TCG? Are he and BIG PETE actually twin brothers, separated at birth? Are Wightlord and Shaniepoo to finally enter into a civil partnership? And will Pippy’s booty be battered? All this, and more, to be answered on April 6/7.

Prediction: 8th. You know that’s going to haunt me. Also, we will find out that this battering stuff is all about a Scottish diet thing, and Brendan will be submersed in the fryer of a local fish and chip emporium.

Did you know? BIG PETE starred in a live action remake of Toy Story that never made it to release. He was to play Slinky. Wightlord is allergic to denim and big hair. He has recurring nightmares involving being chased through a 1980’s Iron Maiden video.

Team Scotland – Saheen (capt.), Purdinas, Valen, phil78

It must be a weird thing, being Scottish. Obviously, I’m not going to make the easy gag of pointing out most team Scotlands over the years haven’t known either, but nonetheless, it must be funny. So close to being English, yet so far. Anyway, I digress, what of these four and their chances? I think this is the strongest foursome we’ve seen from team Scotland at one of these events for some time, and I’d be surprised if they didn’t drag themselves up from mid table obscurity come Hartlepool. phil78 is an enormously experienced WIL stalwart. His Skaven charges have been tearing the interweb up since the year dot, and you always know that you’ll get a proper challenge from him. Anyone called Phil must be a top fellow, anyway, right? Saheen impressed many last time out with his astute political banter; not since the hot pasty tax came in did Blood Bowl experience such a charged debate as the Independence chat from last year. Best watch out for the Spy; he’ll make your players independent from the pitch in swift order. Purdinas is a veteran of these sorts of occasions, you know you’re going to get a performance as solid as a typical Scottish artery. And Gav. What of our Valen? He’s on a mad High Elven bender, but don’t let that fool you; Gavin is a colossus of Blood Bowl; just don’t make him play seven games simultaneously.

Prediction: 4th. The Scots are on the rise, but at who’s expense?

Did you know? phil78 doesn’t believe in the Arrhenius equation. Purdinas has a tattoo of Bruce Forsythe on his left buttock. He insists on wheeling out ‘Nice to see you, to see you, nice’ every time he checks himself out in the mirror, much to everyone’s embarrassment.

GBBL Presents: Gazza’s Tears – Don_Vito (capt.), Stanley, Stickles, MattRobson

It’s been a tough twelve months for the men from Geordieland. Gascoigne’s well reported travails continue apace, the Wizard of Words himself Sid Waddel sadly left us (rumour has it that black armbands will be sported at the MB in tribute), and Gazza’s Tears finally loosened their grip upon domestic team Blood Bowl. Stan Vito remain at the helm of this once powerful unit, and it is rumoured that they will superglue their faces to the Score laptop to assess every possible result permutation from round two onwards, as GT attempt their patented round six submarine. Proud double father (subject to upcoming Jeremy Kyle episode ‘If I’m not the daddy, I’ll always have sleep’) Stick will add lubrication to proceedings in the form of copious sweat; and MattRobson is very much the coming Geordie force; a term last used to describe Sports Direct’s Christmas sale. A team to watch, if only for Stan’s beautiful outfits. One word; magic nerding.

Prediction: 1st. That’s right, I’m backing the Geordies. Well, it is best to stay behind them, for the same reasons that they don’t have mirrors up there.

Did you know? Stan actually whistled the theme to McDonalds’ ‘I’m Lovin’ it’ advertising campaign, but due to a complex and fiendish contract, only receives 7.83 Chicken McNuggets per year in royalties. Stick has recreated the classic Nicholas Cage / John Travolta movie ‘Face Off’ with Dazlamb at astronomical expense; only no-one noticed.

GBBL Presents: Marley’s Angels – Marley (capt.), Cragus_Maximus, Shaun_NUFC, Pippy

There was a colossal fall out, wailing, gnashing of teeth and crying into darts shirts when Gazza’s Tears relinquished their crown after the last Flame Bowl. The streets of Manchester were awash with broken men of the north east and something had to give. Dropping Brendan was a tough call, but I see captain Don took it with ruthless efficiency. Sadly, Marley now has to skipper this dead weight (and what a weight) on the team of Angels. I’ve mentioned in these pages before of Marley’s loose cannon status, and I fully expect his unpredictability to be a boon for his charges this time around. Might even whip Bren into shape. Shaun_NUFC is a new name on me, and I can only presume he is the latest from the Geordie blocking dungeon. I have images of Stick walking up and down, patiently barking out the beat as new joiners roll dice…. ‘Block, block, block…… Pause…… Block…..’. Repetitive strain injury is assured, as are CAS. Cragus_Maximus has had a slow start to his BB career but is ever gaining more experience, and what of Pippy? Our TD always means business, and you can bet that in all things BB or eating competition, he’ll be there or there abouts.

Prediction: 6th. Popping into mid table, these Geordies are on the up and up.

Did you know? Marley went to his local multiplex expecting to see a movie about his life’s work, only to be appalled at what Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson had done. Brendan made up his surname after a night out, and he and Schmee giggle every time someone swallows it.

Team CACK – J-TY, Ruthy, SmellyWabbit, MightyThor

When it comes to penning this drivel, there is always one team that I don’t know much about. With a combined 30 NAF games between them, team CACK are the new kids on the block. However, we will break down their chances, step by step. Their hopes come April rely on them hangin’ tough, and I’ve no doubt skipper J-TY is made of the right stuff. Ruthy is the team’s cover girl, and it’s fair to say SmellyWabbit? Baby, I believe in you. MightyThor is an entirely new name, and if you go away, well, I’ve no idea what I’d do. Please don’t go girl.

If you got any of that, shame on you.

Prediction: 10th. Someone has to prop up the table, and it’s sad that I have to plump for anyone. Cue getting a kicking when we meet in round one!

Did you know? J-TY only watches Dave Ja Vu, never Dave. He thinks if he’s waited ten years for this Top Gear episode, why not one more hour? It’s gloriously nostalgic. 50% of the time, MightyThor works every time.

Teesdie Alliance – Zedsdead (capt.), Schmee, Reaver, Mrs. Stuey

I love an alliance, me. The Alliance and Leicester, the European Advertising Standards Alliance, Alliance Magazine, it’s all golden. I’m a big fan of this team, it has it all. Looks, local know-how, Noel Edmonds’s personal phone number for late night ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’ voicemails, it’s an outstanding collection. Reaver has been to more MonkeyBowls than you’ve had hot dinners. His deep understanding of the Masonic Lodge means that he can appear through any number of secret passages to deafen you with that symbolic horn, and you must always be on your guard. Schmee has purchased the new Go Johnny a Go Go Go Go add on, where following cleared flashes, the wild die is introduced, possibly doubling your score, possibly meaning you have to roll again until your heart stops beating. Darren is a casualty machine. Even though he keeps the Geordies at arm’s length (a smart cookie with a functioning sense of smell), he has all of their blood lust. Mrs. Stuey is a new one on me, but all signs indicate that this is a possible fly in anyone’s ointment. Anyone that allies with these three is bound to be a couple of Malteasers short of a trifle.

Prediction: 7th. I’m thinking top of the bottom third, the alliance will take at least one scalp but be frustrated come Sunday.

Did you know? Schmee is a keen follower of women’s Baseball. He says it’s the steroid abuse that does it for him. After the cameras stopped rolling, Darren bowed to the east wing, then the west wing, then inserted his box right up Noel’s chuff. He’ll never walk the same way again.

The Blackshirts – Hangus (capt.), Geggster, Lycos, Indigo

1991 was a massive year. A young man from Leicester took in his first live musical treat at the feet of Meatloaf’s majestic ‘Everything Louder than Everything Else’ tour, electricity made it to Newcastle wowing the locals, and Dave Downes reached his 50th birthday and four thousandth Blood Bowl event. Having had his life immortalised in film (Terminator, Moneyball, Jungle Book) Dave has lead a quieter life since the heady days of the early nineties, but here he is, returning to Hartlepool in the once feared black shirt. He will be flanked by his similarly attired goons, Hangus (the one with the beautiful hair), Sir Paul Gegg (the one with no hair) and Indigo (the one who wishes he had no hair, considering). One achievement escapes el Presidente in his colourful existence; one final bauble, one single medal. A UK team championship. Frankly, since he failed to capture / saved John Connor, changed the face of Baseball, and befriended a talking bear, you wonder why he cares. But he certainly does; and the ECBBL will be a factor.

Prediction: 2nd. I think the ECBBL will be so close, but so far. Probably victims of le submarine…

Did you know? Hangus is paid entirely in Terrys chocolate oranges. Indigo is an infamous jewel thief, but he had to give up when his backside set off a laser based security system, and now hides out in the Royal Bank of Scotland.

Swim Team – MFBarney (capt.), MFGP, MFGFE, MFSS

Glory! Our reigning Flame Bowl champion foursome ride again. It seems not to matter what daft rosters these gentlemen concoct; the Blood Bowling glitterati fall in the face of their tidal wave of brilliance, (it says here in this press release). What of their chances this time? Have they peaked as a unit, is it all over? Was the Flame Bowl just the start of a chlorine related dynasty? Who can say, but we’re about to find out. Barney the Lurker is one of Blood Bowl’s underrated superstars, and props up the World Champion (only two more years left, better start flogging this, chaps) Waterbowl league with a mixture of hair (get a haircut, hippy. Who could possibly have hair like that? No-one in their right mind…), three plusses and wind-ups. MFGP has redoubled his attempts to produce a future team of his very own DNA in recent months, but has that fluidic expenditure weakened him? Frazer Eden is aware of the time to the extent he wears a Flava Flav style clock around his neck at all times to make the point. And what can be said about Sillysod that hasn’t previously been mentioned? I know, nice things. However bananas the Sodomiser’s next move is; you can be sure the injustice of it all will hit you square in the moneymaker. Always an issue.

Prediction: 3rd. It’ll be tight at the top, and these chaps will just be squeaked out.

Did you know? Barney invented Facebook. Not only is he suing Zuckerberg for unpaid royalties in a spider’s web of legal lawsuits, he’s after the distributors of The Social Network for leaving him out of the story entirely. Just because those twins went to Harvard, honestly. Geoffrey Frazer Eden has several other first names he’s not telling us about.

The Sizzling Purple Manjbag

At the recent Manjgoo war summit; several things were discussed. We needed to get prettier teammates. We needed to get funnier teammates. We needed to get teammates who didn’t flinch in the face of pressure, didn’t panic in the face of potential kinky threeways, didn’t let trivial matters like a hatred of vegetables get in the way of world tours. And here we are, standing before you (well, I’m sitting at my desk in pants eating frankfurters provocatively, but you catch my drift) as half of the newly formed Sizzling Purple Manjbag. I’ve not been this excited since I found out the internet contained naked ladies. Joemanji intends to donate £5 to charity for every time he moans over the weekend (‘Treating for Bleating’, ‘Wonga for Waa’, ‘Krone for Moana’… Wait, too far ) in a move that could mean Africa sinks under the weight of incoming cash. He single mindedly identified the chicken tikka sizzler as Blood Bowl’s newest and greatest threat, so he absorbed him onto our team in a heartbeat to preserve precious, yet entirely meaningless NAF points. The beanbag is Earth’s most charismatic leader, and crowning him skipper is probably the most astute decision we’ve ever made. A mix of talent, looks, physique and brains, Adam is a heroic tour de force of a man. Our only hope as society is that aliens don’t invade on the MB weekend whilst Adam is otherwise engaged. And what of your humble author? Some call him Terry, master of clocks. Others call him Charles Montgomery Hazelmere-Smythe. Some call him Admiral Margo. Most call him Dickhead. He goes by many names. Mainly Dickhead.

Prediction: 9th It’s all part of the plan, chaps. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Did you know? The Sizzler is real tennis’s world number three ranked player. The two above him are Abdul Smith of Hammersmith and Prince Phillip. Joemanji is a sexual deviant of the worst kind.

The Stragglers – Nipples (capt.), Hana666, MrHannah, Lister

Finally, here we are at our stragglers. The last, but by certainly no means least team on the list. If ever a team of waifs and strays is going to come together and forge a strong, pectoral based unit, Nippy is the man to lead them. Nippy ‘the confuser’ Longskar has continued to just become a perfect human specimen, and is no mean Blood Bowlist to boot. Don’t let his incredible niceness fool you, the 2011 champion has all of the tools. Oooh, Nippy in a tool belt. Yumm. The Hanna family unit spent Christmas day practising for this very occasion, pausing only for the Queen and Christmas Pudding. If you overlook this genetic unit, you’ve made a serious error. Lister completes the four, and I believe he is ready for a breakout event, delivering the shocker to anyone who isn’t watching or clenching at the time.

Prediction: 5th. Straight down the middle for these guys, but they’ll beat a big gun along the way.

Did you know? Hana666 once appeared in the audience for Top of the Pops. She was dancing away to Deep Blue Something’s one hit wonder ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’. The nipples aren’t golden. They are solid diamond.

So, there it is. Some say I just pluck numbers out of the air, and I say pah. How dare you? I merely scroll up and see what I haven’t already used. I hope to see you all at the chopper, for MonkeyBowl 2013 SUPER SHOUTY TRIBES is.....On.

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Don__Vito
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Don__Vito »

I wrote a massive post with many witticisms congratulating your efforts. Then the Internet ate them. Now I can't be bothered to retune it all on my phone. Suffice to say, AMAZING stuff!

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Joemanji
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Joemanji »

How can there be a bad kind of sexual deviant?

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*This post may have been made without the use of a hat.
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Pipey
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Pipey »

Hehe, great work as ever Phil!

Remember when Graham Taylor dropped Linnekar? We all know how that turned out. Don's turnip-headed selection strategy is doomed to end in TEARS. The Geordies will be 4th or 5th, three or places behind Marley's Angels. Write that down; photocopy it; instagram it; then retweet it.

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Pipey
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Pipey »

I am of course completely impartial...

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Sizzler
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Re: I'd LOVE it if we beat them!! (Monkeybowl Trash Talk)

Post by Sizzler »

Tremendous stuff, Phil! A hilarious read. :lol:

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