Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 5

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - pt 3

Post by MyKi#1 »

MMMMmmmmmmm bacon mmmmmmm, Nice read Bouf, looking forward to seeing the next blog and the results. And i wouldn't mind seeing the team pics/paintjobs...

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - pt 3

Post by JaM »

Good luck ! :D

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - pt 3

Post by bouf »

Greetings Sports Fans, You’re back with Rex Manchild the host of The Chopping Block, your regular update on your next favourite Blood Bowl team...

The Knoxville Turkeys.

The BABBL Season VII schedule has been released and the Turkeys are sharpening their spurs for their first time out. They have promised a dirty season and a lot of Blood Bowl Fans are very keen to see if they can deliver. It doesn’t look like an easy run, but in this reporter’s opinion... It doesn’t look bad either.

The Turks start up with Amazons; a slippery team to handle. Move on to Vampires and Orcs; potentially a pair of bruising affairs. Goblins next for what could be a comical match up. Lizardmen fifth and the Turks will be keen to stay off the menu.

Last up before the Midseason Break is this season’s ultimate Grudge match! The Knoxville Turkeys Vs The Johannesberg Cheetahs!!! Both coaches hate each other in the purest fashion, both teams want to be known as ‘BABBL’s Dirtiest’, Both teams are thirsty for each others Blood. Just the announcement whipped the Turkeys’ players into a frenzy of celebration that swept into the streets of the Underworld and pockets of rioting mutants are still running amuck the world over.

Despite either teams standing, this match will be held in the highest regard by both coaches, the league, even the whole world! No finals match has been as important as BABBL Season VII – Round 6. The bragging rights of the winner... The taunts against the loser... Six More Weeks ladies and gentlemen...

Six More Weeks...

Pressure mounts as the two teams size each other up. Crushing pressure and fear of failure may burry each coach. Will the Turkeys emerge victorious? Will the Cheetahs? Will either coach be able to survive the night as their fans rejoice or chastise them for the match result???

Six More Weeks...

Until next time; this is Rex Manchild saying “Keep Your Neck Off the Block”

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 1

Post by bouf »

Great Googley Moogley!  Welcome Sports Fans!  This is the Choping Block and I’m your host, Rex Manchild.   If you didn’t see last nights match, you’ve missed an exhibition of ol’ time Blood bowl and a total display of skills by your next favourite team...
 
The Knoxville Turkeys!
 
For their first official game League Match, the Turkeys had drawn an Amazon Team, the Noble Strumpets and the boys looked a little nervous going in.  The Amazons have a reputation for a strong Running game and are famous for avoiding tackles.  Goblins are pretty good at that too however and after kicking to the Strumpets, the Turkeys snuck in and grabbed a lose ball for a sneaky TD.  Having suffered a casualty in the scrum, our heroes had to empty the reserves bench for the next drive.
 
This Time the Ladies came on very strong and the Turkeys’ desperate attempts to slow them failed.  Another casualty suffered and the Boys found themselves out-numbered going into injury time.  They tried a Fast Ball special and everything was looking good until Looney Bin Jim tried to eat his unfortunate missile.  With the score tied 1-1 the Turkeys went into the 2nd half a man down and had not yet committed a single foul.  With the disadvantage in man power it wasn’t looking likely that they’d live up to their reputation for dirty play.
 
For their first crack at offence, the Turks took advantage of a quick snap and caught the Zonz offside.  That was when the Canadian Super coach broke out his Trusty Crusty play book and produced the ‘Barge-A-Thon’.  The Goon Squad famously demonstrated this little gem against coach Para and his Team Fist.  It can only be described as running the Ball very – and dangerously – close to the sideline and baiting your opponent in to try to stop you.  Then through a complex string of player positioning angles, the Turkeys pushed groups of players toward the side line and off the pitch. 
 
The Second Half was a display of Blood Bowl Brilliance!  There were even two instances where the Turks were pushing the Strumpets into each other and off the pitch, removing two players with a single manoeuvre.   Coach Breadfan was heard saying this:
“There isn’t one occasion where I left a player exposed to a Crowd Push…  How do I defend against this?”
 
How indeed!  The Real Brilliance however wasn’t in the On Pitch tactics.  It was the cunning and deceptively clever introduction of “Free Table-Saw” night at Knoxville Stadium.  One lucky fan, coincidently seated right where the Barge-A-Thon took place, won the prize at half time and put it to good use, nearly killing a Linewoman, Killing a Blitzer, then injuring another Strumpet and knocking out another four before it was all over.
 
With the added confidence of the sudden shift in man power, the Turks started getting down and dirty before scoring what would be the winning TD.  With a little time left, the Crowd rioted and forced the Ref to add some extra time “Or Else...”  It was up to the Strumpets to try to tie it up with only 5 players, or the Turkeys to add a little more differential to their record. 
 
The Strumpets were desperate and it showed, but they still came dangerously close...  Just not close enough.
 
This is Rex Manchild reporting from the Knoxville Turkeys’ first win, reminding you to “Keep Your Neck Off the Block”

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 1

Post by Overhamsteren »

Great stuff!

You need to make a diagram of the barge-a-thon. :orc:

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 1

Post by bouf »

 
Welcome Sports Fans...  This is the Chopping Block, I’m Rex Manchild, your confused host...  Reporting on something I just can’t get my head around.  Your next favourite team;
 
The Knoxville Turkeys!
 
I still don’t understand what I saw last Tuesday. I mean it was a good match but I feel somehow hollow. When weighed up against the BloodBunnies the Turkeys had the Vampires completely and totally out-classed.  There were no points in the match where the Vamps looked capable of competing with their opponents.  Yet, the Turks didn’t win?  Let me explain...
 
The match started in the Turkeys Favour, the crowd was mostly theirs and before the two teams even left the locker rooms, the fans stormed the pitch and beat the referee to death.  The replacement was obviously intimidated and we knew that the match was going to be a little ‘lose’ with the rules.  With the Vampires winning the toss and electing to receive, they got the match off to a hairy start by Knocking out the Turkey’s troll and positioning into a nice little pocket.  The Turkeys responded in kind with Stan Shenanigans injuring one of the Bunnies precious Thralls and the Goblins Fouling a Vampire of the Pitch. 
 
The two teams squared off and little progress was made on the offence as the Turkeys slammed shut any door the Bunnies thought they saw open.  The Goblins were extremely keen to show their Skaven team-mates that they had just as much to offer as their rodent counterparts and they brutally fouled and Downed Bloodbunny Player they could see.  Only One opportunity to kick a felled player was missed for the whole of the first half, when the Ref finally decided that enough was enough.
 
This attrition saw the Bunnies make a desperate run for the sideline where they were caught by the hard hitting Zeus P. Rockefeller.  He and lineman Jupiter Spitvalve were on a breakaway and sure to score, when the oddest thing happened.  In the dying seconds of the half, Bouf commanded his team to run out the clock for a few last ditch blocks and blitzes.  The crowd fell silent as one of the Turkeys hit the deck hard and the buzzer rang.  The Half ended 0-0 when it should have ended 1-0 in the Turks Favour.
 
The Bunnies prepared to line up on the pitch with only two Vamps and five Thralls, against the full might of our favourite team.  The audience was expecting a run away for the Underworld and things shaped up that way.  The Vampires did what Vampires do...  Make amazing and unbelievable plays against all odds, but it wasn’t enough.  The Turks after some minor struggles had another clear run for the endzone when, amazingly, Bouf commanded Slick Armstrong to pass the ball to the end zone rather than walk it in.  This bone head order predictably ended with a failed catch and the ball bouncing to the crowd, who obviously threw it the lion’s share toward the opposite end and unsurprisingly into the waiting arms of a Vampire.
 
After that the annoyed Turkey Players protested against their coach by failing the simplest of actions and refusing to score a Game winning TD in their final three attempts.  So the Turkeys were totally dominant, controlling the pace of the game and level of violence the whole time...  but thanks to some rather stupid calls on behalf of their coach, failed to take home a win.  This forces Knoxville into a must win situation next week in order to remain competitive for a RotGut appearance.
 
Thanks Bouf, Thanks a lot!
 
Until next time; this is Rex Manchild saying “Keep Your Neck Off the Block”

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 1

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Hello Sports Fans, My name is Rex Manchild and this is the Chopping block, your regular update on your next favourite team;
 
The Knoxville Turkeys!
 
I have some sad news, I’ve been fired!  But I have some Good news; this week I’m joined by the Chopping Block’s new Dark elf host (some of you may know him better from his regular Blood Bowl articles in Lacerate Magazine) my good friend and colleague Frank Fitcher.  Frank will take over the colour commentary of the Turkeys’ progress as I have been promoted to Road Correspondent and will host The Turkey Shoot.  On the Turkey Shoot I will recap each match and keep you informed about the action as it happens.
 
It’s thanks to your support that I get this awesome promotion and I just want to say thanks to all you fans out there.  “Keep Your Neck Off the Block” and I’ll see you on the road! Over to you Frank!

~
 
Thank You Human.
 
It’s the dawning of a new day and you’re On the Chopping Block with me... Frank Fitcher
 
Last week the Turkeys saw their first taste of failure and it was bitter sweet.  They didn’t lose but it was due to their own coach that they didn’t win.  They had total dominance over BloodBunnies, but some how came up short.  The Fans demanded answers and so did I.  The Turkey Coop was shut up pretty tight and no players seemed willing to give me any insight into what changes would be made to compensate for their inept coach.
 
Last week we saw, for the first time, a cheer leader and an assistant coach round out the off pitch staff, but again I was blocked by both in my attempts to gain an interview.  In my investigation I even saw a few new Goblin faces running about in Knoxville uniforms, but still I wasn’t able to gain access to anyone willing to tell all.
 
Only after sending messages to the Underworld Overlords (via a web of contacts and sources that I have built up over the years) reminding them of the value of media exposure, did the Knoxville Coach call me in to an interview.
----
FF: Bouf, Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.
 
B: I didn’t understand that I had a choice.  If you intend to make it in this business, I suggest you remember...
 
FF: I’ll stop you there bouf.  Neither I nor the Press will be intimidated by you, regardless of the threats you level at us.  The Public demand answers and I will get them wether you like it or not!  Now, you have been accused of accepting a bribe from the Bloodbunnies in order to throw last weeks match.  What do you say to that?
 
B: Listen Frank, you know that question’s off limits.  If you want answers (and want to continue breathing) you better stick to the conditions set for this ‘Interview’.  Next Question!
 
FF: I won’t rest until I have the Truth bouf!  But for now, I’ll continue.  What are you willing to tell us about the future of the Turkeys in light of last weeks Tie?
 
B: I think that it’s obvious that the team can’t continue to rely on external leadership.  They need to take ownership of their own destiny and make some decisions for themselves.  In light of that, I’ve promoted a Player to Captain and also selected two Alternate Captains.
 
FF: Is that to compensate for your own inability to pilot the team?
 
B: Thin F*cking Ice Frank!  Last warning!!!  Many franchises select Captains to help steer the team when pressure is on, The Turkeys are no different.
 
FF: Well, who have you selected?
 
B:  ‘Dirty’ Lloyd Craven has shown the most promise, he is the only Turkey to develop his skills in the first few games and for a Thrower to do so without throwing the ball...  Lets just say that he fits the bill perfectly.  He’s got the stuff that this team needs and has even struck first Blood this season by – albeit indirectly – inflicting the season’s first kill.
 
B: For alternate captains, I couldn’t over look the raw talent of Stan Shenanigans.  He’s just a great player and always gets where he needs to be.  He’s never missed a shift and already shows the qualities of a natural leader.
 
B: Lastly I needed some Goblin representation.  The Green meanies had to have someone to keep them in line when the skaven neglect to include them.  Mogg, Son of Gomm has had an exemplary run in his last few games and is really showing what he’s capable of. 
 
FF: How will you fair against Bad Moon Rising?  Will you throw another game to line your pockets?
----
 
It was at this point that bouf decided to terminate the interview and I must admit that was lucky to escape unharmed.  Rest assured that no topic will be out of bounds and no stone will go unturned as long as I am your host.
 
 Until next time, you’ve been on The Chopping Block, I’m Frank Fitcher.

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 1

Post by bouf »

Greetings Sports Fans...  Welcome to your first Turkey Shoot, I’m your proud host and road correspondent Rex Manchild.  In this series we look to bring you the ups and downs of the Turkeys’ first BABBL season as it happens and sparing no sordid detail. 
 
The ‘Little-Mutants-that-couldn’t’ last game, were more than a little worried this game!  They knew going in that the Bad Moon Rising were bigger, stronger, more experienced and more talented and plenty mean...  but they weren’t as dirty!
 
The orc Fans came out in droves while the Turkeys continued their trend of small attendance.  The Orcs more than doubled the Mutants in the stands and the noise that they could generate was deafening and quite intimidating.  But even as Knoxville set up to kick off, they looked determined to prove their stuff.  The orcs set up in opposition and Grit-Tooth Money Makaa was wearing a crusty pair of “Kicking Boots”.  Mayhaps they were dirty enough to out class the Turkeys after all..?
 
They downed Looney Bin Jim very early and wasted no time in getting the Boot stuck in, but the big lummox was just too tough to succumb.  Gore-Howler the Mad struck first blood but by then it was already too late.  A bad set-up allowed the Turks to get into some deep coverage practically unopposed and had Chuck Masta' Toborc screaming for help.  There were some Very tight plays as the Orcs desperately peeled their slow players back to assist, some Bad Moon blitzes even looked as though they’d pay off, but the damage was already done...  Slick Armstrong heroically leaped onto the lose ball to get the game in the Turkeys’ favour after LBJ belted Chief Kicking-Bull into next week.
 
The Weather changed for the next drive as a mysterious rain cloud settled over the stadium.  Some suspected that bouf had hopes of keeping his less agile opponent guessing, but the rain seemed to assist their game as they were able to throw some amazingly long passes into extremely tight coverage.  This time the Turkeys needed to pull desperate plays from their pockets but it was Grand PB Mork'ameedes who whipped out a ‘Wand of smashing’ and intended to stove in Slick’s head.  Quite luckily the Blitzer was holding the wand by the wrong end and it all ended in catastrophe.  The Turkeys tried as they might to get the ball to the end zone, but the rain made it far too difficult.
 
Going into the second the orcs only had 8 players that they could field and they stood no chance of stopping the Turkeys from getting ahead 2-0.  In the final drive the Mooners managed another simply miraculous string of high skill, Long Bomb attempts that ended with the Turkeys so badly out of position that it was their turn to look defenceless.
 
What happened this game that didn’t happen last game?  Awareness.  I think that the coach and players finally understand each other.  This win may just spell a Rot Gut Appearance for the Knoxville Boys, so lets wait and see in the next three games can end as spectacularly
 
Until next time, I’m Rex Manchild saying “Keep Your Neck Off the Block”

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by voyagers_uk »

Bouf - man you need more of something in your life as you have too much time and imagination for your own good. :lol:

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by Insane_Prophet »

Be that as it may, Voyagers, it does make for a slightly more interesting read than the usual "played team X, won/lost following XYZ".

But if I were the Turkey's owner I'd fire the coach for getting greedy with blocks when there were TDs to be scored!

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by GuppyShark »

No Canadian Hat-tricks yet for the Knox? Refs not obliging?

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by bouf »

Actually it's a combination of my own stupidity, (failing to score) and The Ref on my side (21 fouls attempted in three games with just 2 casualties and only 1 ejection)

But it's okay. I'm confident that I'll get one!

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by voyagers_uk »

Insane_Prophet wrote:Be that as it may, Voyagers, it does make for a slightly more interesting read than the usual "played team X, won/lost following XYZ".
never said it didn't, in fact wasn't questioning the quality of Bouf's reports in any way, whoever you are :roll:

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by Overhamsteren »

Somebody needs to teach that slimy goth elf a lesson! :evil:

Good job beating up the orcs! :D


Just looked at your nice website...Ratbags 21-2 in touch downs lol :o

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Re: Chopping Block - Uderworld blog - Game 3

Post by Insane_Prophet »

voyagers_uk wrote:
Insane_Prophet wrote:Be that as it may, Voyagers, it does make for a slightly more interesting read than the usual "played team X, won/lost following XYZ".
never said it didn't, in fact wasn't questioning the quality of Bouf's reports in any way, whoever you are :roll:
I think I must have phrased myself poorly Voyagers. That was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek compliment to Bouf rather than an attack on your statement in any way. Sorry if it came across as such!

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