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 Post subject: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:24 pm 
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E.C. Steelhammer the disgraced Dwarf coach is running out of options. Most races refuse to play for the drunken sot which is why two of his Sturm Von Stahl teams have been captive goblins and now these even more inept halflings. Steelhammer, growing tired of the goblins who tended to be 'a bit too bitey' decided to look for a new team to coach in the SVS main league.

He was in one of his brewpubs when he noticed one of the cooking staff getting a little too close to his pet rat ogre, Mr. Wiggles. Mr. Wiggles heaved the unfortunate halfling even further than he usually chucked the goblins that cleaned his cage. Steelhammer was convinced he found the race of his new team. He hired the McSandwich catering company on the spot with the promise of 'All you can eat' for the surviving Halflings after each Blood Bowl match.

The McSandwiches, who are reknowed in Halfling cirles for their fine cuisine, will bring with them a loyal fanbase including Gordy Muffinthief and Les Corndog who will frequently be doing the play by play of the team's games.

All that was left was to decide on a name. E.C., after a night of heavy drinking staggered to Mike Sprayflem's hovel. Through slurred speech and double vision, Steelhammer explained the concept of his team to a clearly put out Mike. Sprayflem simply said, 'That is the most half baked idea I have ever heard!', and proceeded to slam his door in Steelhammer's face. An inebriated Steelhammer only heard 'half baked', and those words were still in his head when he woke up in the morning to vomit on Mike's doorstep. The Half Baked Flings were born.


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 Post subject: 'Ard Knocks - Preseason with the Flings
 Post Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:25 pm 
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MME Sports proudly presents this Blood Bowl Special.

Narrator: On this episode of ‘Ard Knocks we take a look at the preseason preparations of Sturm Von Stahl contender, the Half Baked Flings. We start with coach Steelhammer in his office, where he is just now learning that top Treeman draft pick Oaky Dokey was seriously injured in preseason drills.

Coach Steelhammer, Dokey, and team Apothecary, Dooyu Konkur are meeting in his office


Steelhammer: Bah, it’s freezing in this office. Now what exactly happened again?
Steelhammer suddenly aware of the cameras rolling sucks in his prodigious stomach

Dokey: I attempted to throw Chubs across the pitch at this morning’s practice. Turns out he had already finished his sixth breakfast this morning plus his first brunch. He was just too heavy, the limb cracked.

The camera swings back to Steelhammer who is now turning a bright shade of purple. Steelhammer looks over at the apothecary.

Steelhammer: Dr… Konkur… what… are… we… looking… at…

Steelhammer’s eye begins to tic.


Konkur: I’m afraid he’s suffered a serious limb injury. I recommend amputation… err, I mean…
Konkur picks up a copy of Arborculture for Dummies and quickly flips through it
Severe pruning.

Dokey: That is my throwing and Orc smashing limb. I cannot protect the little ones without it.

Steelhammer: Can’t… we… just… glue… it?

Konkur: I’m afraid knot… Ha!!! Get it? Afraid “knot”…
Konkur looks at the angrily scowling treeman.

Konkur: Umm… no coach, I’m afraid Albion Elm Disease is already setting in. It looks like Oaky’s career is over.

A sound similar to air rushing out of a balloon fills the room. The camera pans to Steelhammer now face down on the floor and gasping for breath.

Dokey: I am so far away from the old forest. Will you take me back?

Steelhammer: Umm… well, you know what? We actually can keep you on staff here. It’s only fitting considering your hard work and dedication over the last few months.

Dokey: You mean I can stay and coach?

Steelhammer: Yeah, something like that. Tell you what, go out and speak with Dweezil, our defensive coordinator. He’ll get you set right up.

Dokey: That is very kind of you, Dwarf. I won’t forget this.

With that, the meeting ends and the camera fades out. The camera comes back into focus on Steelhammer’s office.

Narrator: Later that day Coach Steelhammer gets some unwelcome news from accounting.

Steelhammer is speaking with team accountant, Bernie Madeoff-Wit’yorcash. Defensive coordinator Dweezil is in the background intently staring at some defensive formations on a parchment.

Steelhammer: Bernie, how are we out of money? We had plenty of cash to start the season.

Bernie: Well coach, Dweezil though he could make your halflings more aggressive on defense. He started putting frosting on the ball. It certainly worked, but unfortunately your team ate 5 seasons worth of practice balls just this morning… and there’s the small matter of my new summer home.

Steelhammer: Curses, just when I thought this day couldn’t get any worse. Have ‘em flavor the remaining balls with black licorice, that’ll guarantee that no more get eaten.

Bernie takes out a handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his head.

Bernie: Sheesh, it’s hot in here. Look at that stack of firewood. Maybe we could save on heating costs by burning less?

Steelhammer: Nope, this here was all free. We had it “donated” by a real team player. We’ll never forget him or his sacrifice.

Bernie: Really? Who was it?

Steelhammer: Uhhh… Now what the blazes was his name…? Redwood? No… Dweezil, what was that blokes name, you know the leafy one? Robert?

Dweezil looks up from his parchment. He gives a noncommittal shrug.

Steelhammer grabs a stick of firewood and throws it on the fire.

Steelhammer: We’ll never forget you or your sacrifice, Robert… Roger? Yeah, that’s it, Roger.

The camera fades out…credits roll

Narrator: Thanks for joining MME Sports for this episode of ‘Ard Knocks. Next week we find out which players make the cut, and whether or not Coach Steelhammer and his staff can survive a massive cupcake shortage. Join us at the same time next week to find out!


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 Post subject: Match Day 1 vs. 400lb Gorillas - Orc
 Post Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 6:28 pm 
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Welcome one and all to the McSandwich Blood Bowl Weekly Telecast. Here are your hosts Gordy Muffinthief and Les Corndog.

Image

Gordy: Hello out there Halfling sport afficianados. My co-host needs no introduction, he is one of the few Halfling players to survive to retirement and he once received the highest honor for any Halfling player, he was traded for a case of the finest white truffles in Mootland. I am of course referring to Les Corndog.

Les: Thanks for that introduction Gordy. It looks like a perfect day for Blood Bowl and the excitement here at Half Baked stadium is palpable.

Gordy: Absolutely, Les! There will be a match played, but the cheering and oohs and aahs from the crowd are for the McSandwich catering team. Wow! Look at that pregame spread. Break it down for us, Les!

Les: It looks like a seafood opener. Lobster tails, steamed clams, coconut shrimp, and sautéed scallops. It’s a winner for sure, Gordy. It looks like the judges agree, yes, 4 star dining at the pregame meal!

Gordy: Here comes the referee to break up the meal, looks like they are ready to get things started. The Half Baked Flings welcome the Orc team the 400lb Gorillas to the pitch.

Les: Those Orcs look mean, Gordy, and hungry. Looks like honorary captain Meringue Baconbits will call the coin toss for the Flings and… OHHHH!

Gordy: That troll just swallowed him whole, you just hate to see that happen.

Les: You know Gordy, when you go to midfield for coin tosses against the meaner teams like Orcs and Ogres, you’ve got to take the time to smear yourself with ipecac syrup. That was a classic rookie mistake by Baconbits.

Gordy: It appears that the referee is calling a foul on the Troll, the Half Baked Flings will win the toss. They have chosen to receive.

Les: Great gooseberry pies!! Gordy, look at that line up! I’m sure the Orcs were expecting lightweights for this match, but the Flings have put together a line consisting of Deeproot Strongbranch, Morg ‘n’ Thorg, and their own trees, Twiggy and Roots Barkbelly. Now I know before the match the Heimlich maneuver had to be performed on at least 5 of the Halfling players, but I bet it’s the Orcs that are thinking they may have bitten off more than they can chew!

Gordy: Let’s hope so, Les. Here’s the kick off, and it’s deep.

Les: Wham, Bam, and Body Slam! Wow, the three trees led by Deeproot have torn into the Orc lines. Morg tries to seal the left wing and… Ouch! The belly flop misses wildly, Morg is stunned!

Gordy: Here come the Orcs. Morg is surrounded and takes a kick to the skull. The Orc’s foot took the worst of it, the Orcs are coming down the right side and… Bam! Wally Buttermilk gets absolutely pasted by an Orc Blitzer.

Les: Here comes Deeproot with the counter punch and… OHHH! Deeproot joins Morg on the turf. It’s not looking good for the Flings!

Gordy: Ouch, Beansie Wells is knocked for a loop, looks like he’s unconscious, they’re hauling him over to the cooking tent. Here’s hoping he makes it back in time for the halftime meal.

Les: Wow Gordy, the Orcs now have the ball surrounded deep. This could turn sour in a hurry! Lemm has managed to pick up the ball and is headed up the right side of the pitch. Sheer terror sure is an amazing motivator!

Gordy: Roots Barkbelly has just leveled a Black Orc! He’s hurt, the Orcs have over pursued the ball, and a lane has opened up on the right side of the pitch!

Les: Great play by the Flings. Don’t get too comfortable, here come the Orcs! Lemm dodges a wicked block by an Orc Blitzers and… Great Nuffle! The Orc’s superstar Blitzer Galth just took a shot at Morg and paid the price. Chalk another one up for the mighty Ogre. Flings still have the ball.

Gordy: Lemm decides to play for survival he hands the ball to… NO!!!

Les: NO!!! NOT CHUBS! Chubs Chinflab, the slowest Halfling alive now has the ball. Careful, we may see a tree outrun him. But he’s breaking clear.

Gordy: The Orcs don’t seem concerned…

Les: Well, they know they’ve got some time. Speaking of which, let’s go to commercial while we wait for Chubs to move the ball toward the endzone.

Commercial Plays

Gordy: Welcome back folks! The Half Baked Flings still have the ball, and their plodding ball carrier, Chubs is working his way up the right side of the pitch. Can he make it?

Les: I wouldn’t think so, but the Orcs seem to have decided to ignore the ball at the moment, buying Chubs valuable time. Oh, here comes a blitzer now and… Ouch, he got tangled up in Deeproot’s roots. He’s stunned, and Chubs just keeps truckin’

Gordy: Bad news Fling Fans! Twiggy and Roots both have taken root. They aren’t able to assist the ball carrier anymore. The trap is starting to close on poor Chubs. More bad news! Morg has just been called for a foul!

Les: Wait, Gordy, the referee is waiving off the flag. He’s claiming he dropped it on accident. Aww, now Morg is a real pro. He just handed the referee back his flag, and the coin purse the referee must have dropped earlier.

Gordy: Yep, they don’t get much more honest than good ole Morg. Chubs is now almost goal line! He’s got Swifty running interference for him and…

Les: BOOM! Swifty takes a knuckleduster to the kidney. It looks like the Orcs are going to bring Chubs down… but NO!!! Chubs slipped the tackle!! He’s in for the score!!!

Gordy: Wow, those extra six helpings of bacon at breakfast greased up Chubs just enough to slip by the Orc blitzer. The Flings have taken the 1-0 lead.

Les: Here comes the kick off. Ouch, Curtis was just made into a Halfling wishbone. It looks like the Orcs are going to try to set up the Goblin toss! EAT HIM!!!

Gordy: EAT HIM!!! Awww, the Troll launches the Goblin, but he is unable to stick the landing. It is halftime and the chefs are rolling out desserts including sweetcakes, pies, and a host of danishes. What a meal, and the judges are… yes, the judges are giving McSandwich catering another 4 stars. Fantastic!!!

Les: OK, the picnic baskets are picked up, and here comes the kick off with the Flings in the "Circle the Wagons" defense, while the Orcs are lined up in the standard “Whose your Daddy?” formation. The kick is away, and here we go!

Gordy: Here come the Orcs up the left side, they’ve opened up some space, even Morg has been knocked over.

Les: The Flings are scrambling and Pablo makes a nice dodge, he’s pressuring the Orc ball carrier. The Orcs won’t like that at all.

Gordy: The Orcs strike back. Down goes Deeproot and… Oh no, Deeproot was fouled off the pitch, they're bringing out the pulp hooks, that’s going to hurt the Flings chances.

Les: Well here comes the equalizer!!! I can see the fireball coming down from the stands now and… and… rats, a crummy sparkler. Great wizardy there, Merlin. The ball carrier is still standing along with his escort. Looks like the Orcs are moving to the middle of the pitch.

Gordy: And down goes Pablo! He’s done for the day, a Black Orc unleashes some pain. Now Buster eats the turf. He’s not getting up, the Orcs are starting to get a huge numbers advantage.

Les: Ballsy play by the Orcs, they are ganging up on Morg, including the ball carrier. They knocked Morg down, but he’s getting up. I wouldn’t want to be the Orc thrower right now. POW! Morg has knocked the ball loose!

Gordy: Indeed he did, Les. I’m not sure there’s enough defense left to make a play on the ball. Wow, Lemm scooped up the ball, amazing. He’s all alone though, and those Orcs look really angry. Twiggy has taken root and can’t assist.

Les: Here comes the blitz! Lemm is out cold, the ball has rolled free. The Orc Thrower has the ball, he passes it and it’s a catch! The Blitzer has broken free down the right side there’s no one to stop him.

Gordy: Wait one second Les, Twiggy may be rooted, but he can still throw. He’s going to throw… NO!!!

Les: NO!!! NOT CHUBS!!! He’s too heavy! Chubs is up and… he flies. Chubs sticks the landing. He’s got a blitz on the ball carrier and…

Gordy: Chubs has knocked the ball loose! Beansie has the ball now! And here comes the Orc assault!

Les: Beansie gets walloped. He’s still alive, I can see him twitching, but he can’t play anymore today. Well the ball is loose. Chubs goes to pick it up and…

Gordy: Chubs has the ball but nowhere to run. Wait a minute, he wouldn’t…

Les: He would!! Chubs just completed a long bomb to a thoroughly confused Roots Barkbelly. I don’t think he can escape the Orcish horde.

Gordy: Tiiiimmmbeeerrr! Roots is down and OH!!! He takes a kicking too. Roots has now been fouled off the pitch and the Orcs have the ball. It doesn’t look good.

Les: The Orcs try for the hand off, time is running out. They drop the ball!! Chubs has the ball! He’s going to try for another pass and… Awww. Chubs has dropped the ball. The Orcs have got the ball and into the endzone they go! The score is tied 1-1.

Gordy: There’s still time enough for a Halfling toss, but it doesn’t look good. The Flings only have 5 players standing and the Orc fans are trying to push past the barricade.

Les: Who can blame them? They are going to try to stop this kick off to avoid the humiliation of losing to a Halfling team. Wow, they blew by security!

Gordy: There you have it folks, the game ends on a pitch invasion as the Halflings scramble for safety. The final score in an amazing game is 1-1. Join us at the same time next week as we follow the Half Baked Flings. For McSandwich Cabalvision I’m Gordy Muffinthief.

Les: And I’m Les Corndog, have a great week!

Image
*Edit for awesomeness. Thanks to thegloater for the phenomenal team banner.


Last edited by EastCoast on Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:04 am, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 11:30 am 
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That's some great stuff!


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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 12:40 pm 
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Very cool!!
:D

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 Post subject: Match Day 2 vs. The Un-grateful Dead (Necro)
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 1:09 am 
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Welcome one and all to the McSandwich Blood Bowl Weekly Telecast. Here are your hosts Gordy Muffinthief and Les Corndog.

Image

Gordy: Hello out there Halfling supporters, I’m Gordy Muffinthief. With me today is my co-host, former Halfling Blood Bowl star, Les Corndog. Remember fans, Blood Bowl sports casting is just like five star dining, if you want a more prestigious product, you need Les Corndog. Greetings Les.

Les: Hi there, Gordy always good to be here. We’ve got an exciting match up today as the Half Baked Flings welcome the Necro side, The Un-grateful Dead

Gordy: Too right you are, Les! The Dead are considered by many to be the division favorites, with a real shot at the league title. They are definitely my favorite team!

Les: Really Gordy? I never picked you as a fan of the undead.

Gordy: Of course, I couldn’t care less about their play, I just like the fact that they don’t eat food. More for us!

Les: That’s true Gordy, but you gotta watch out for them. They may not hunger for food, but living flesh is another matter. You especially have to keep an eye on the zombies, tend to be a bit nippy.

Gordy: Speaking of nippy, Les, it is quite the opposite here today. The heat is absolutely sweltering, what is up with this ungodly heat and humidity?

Les: Well also speaking of nippy, the Half Baked Flings have hired Zara the Slayer for the match. The prima donna is surely demanding that the field conditions match those of her rainforest home.

Gordy: Ah yes, if I remember correctly you and Zara had a run in a few seasons back.

Les: We did indeed, that rampaging she-beast gave me two black eyes. Swore I’d never play another match with her again.

Gordy: What caused the issue, exactly?

Les: You know I don’t like to talk about it, Gordy. Well, basically I was eye level with her “goods” as it were. Early in the match her bikini started riding up. By the halftime it was distracting, so I reached over and gave the wedge a quick pluck, she took it the wrong way and slugged me.

Gordy: I see, and how did you get the second black eye?

Les: She slugged me again when I put the wedge back in. There’s just no pleasin’ her. I think hiring that vengeful hussy will be a mistake.

Gordy: We’ll see, Les. In the meantime this heat is surely causing issues down on the pitch.

Les: Boy, I’ll say. Two of the catering crew have collapsed, and oh my! The cheese sculpture of Puggy Baconbreath has just melted. The tasting judges won’t be happy with that mess!

Gordy: Indeed they aren’t, Les. It looks like… yes, a two star score, barely edible.

Les: Wow, just not a good day to serve dairy products, and uh oh, the sous chef just heard the score. He’s chasing one of the judges with a carving knife.

Gordy: In the meantime the teams have lined up, the Flings will once again have Deeproot Strongbranch to go along with Zara today. Looks like the Flings will kick, the Dead to receive.

Les: Boom! The kick is away. Look out! Oh, the enraged sous chef just threw a cast iron dutch oven at the judges. He missed of course, but unfortunately for the dead, their Flesh Golem caught it up side the head, he’s stunned.

Gordy: A ghoul has retrieved the ball and is moving steadily up the left side of the pitch. Wow, he’s fast! He’s already at midfield.

Les: Zara breaks right and… OH!!! She jammed a stake into on of the Dead’s werewolves. He is down and unconscious.

Gordy: Here comes Lemm on the blitz and wham, he knocks down a zombie. The lads are looking good so far.

Les: Here comes Zara on the blitz, and yep, that’s the useless Zara I remember. Apparently she’s trying to tickle that Wight to death with the stake.

Gordy: She does seem disinterested. Oh joy! Here comes Buster to set up a foul and…

Les: YESSSS! Buster hits the Zombie with a patented rump thump! Uh oh, looks like the ref is going to flag him.

Gordy: Nope, no flag. Apparently the Ref’s child is selling candy bars for a school fundraiser. Looks he wanted to know if Buster was interested, and yep it looks like Buster has put himself down for a case. What a guy, that Buster!

Les: Charity and sportsmanship, you’ve got to love it. Wowsers! Roots Barkbelly just killed that Flesh Golem with a limb smash. Hang on, over on the sidelines… all those zombies shuffling… Zap! They’ve jolted him back to life with the world’s biggest static shock ever!

Gordy: They did indeed Les. I notice the Werewolf on the sideline is keeping a respectful distance from the zombies.

Les: Here come the Necros. Ouch, Wally Buttermilk can now be called Wally Butterblood, he’s down and not getting back up. Hey look, more of Zara doing nothing. That’s right dear, fix your bra strap, that’s sooo much more important than the zoggin’ game!

Gordy: The Dead are inches from the endzone and…

Les: Whoa! That ghoul got to close to the Zombies on the sideline. You could see the arc of electricity from here. Bad news, the Ghoul survived he’s nondead? Un-undead? Whatever, he’s still twitching.

Gordy: Oh, bad luck for the Flings. The remaining Werewolf has broken free from Zara, he’s got the ball and… Yep, into the endzone, 1-0 Dead take the lead.

Les: More bad news Gordy, Twiggy Barkbelly and Deeproot both need to get out of this heat. Thanks again Zara. Here comes the kick off! Short kick. There’s Zara doing nothing again. Chumley Underdone, has the ball as he moves up the right side of the pitch.

Gordy: Here comes the pressure from the Necros. Chumley cuts across the pitch, he’s headed for Roots Barkbelly. And what?! No!

Les: Yes, the ref has just pulled the red card on Cotton. Terrible call, Gordy. He barely grazed that Wight. Well, they’re sendig him off. Boo! Booooo! You one-sided son of a codfish!

Gordy: Easy, Les. Cockerel Pizzacrust goes down hard, smashed ankle for sure. Chumley is down and out for the game, Beansie has the ball. Run Beansie, Run!!!

Les: Here comes Zara to save the day! <Sigh> Nope, she trips over her high heels. HEEL TO TOE YOU DOLT, HEEL TO TOE!!!!

Gordy: Beansie is down! The ball is loose. The Dead have the ball.

Les: Oh my!!! Zara is dead, Zara is dead. She just took a hellacious kicking. Where’s that ref? There he is over on the sidelines playing “I got your nose” with a squirrel. Just brilliant.

Gordy: Don’t look now, yep, a full pitch pass to a waiting Werewolf and the Dead score again. Flings are down 2-0, it doesn’t look good for the chubby champs. There’s the whistle, it’s halftime.

Les: A good thing too, the lads are getting clobbered out there. Nice recovery by McSandwich catering, the half time snack of ice cream, gelato, and frozen sherbert is a real crowd pleaser. Look at that, yes, the four star rating has been restored for McSandwich catering. That’s how you do it, Gordy!

Gordy: It is indeed! Let’s see how the Flings respond. Ahh, not well at all. Lemm returns the kick to the center of the pitch and flubs the handoff to Beansie. The ball bounces to the Necros.

Les: And there goes Lemm, out for the match. Here come the Necros down the right side and into the endzone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Necro team this fast, Gordy. They are up 3-0.

Gordy: Too true, usually this display of speed and ball handling is reserved for Elves. Hats off to the Necros, they are ready to play. Looks like they are ready to kick again. Roots Barkbelly and 3 teammates need a breather, the Flings can only get 5 players on the pitch. The Necros are completely unfazed.

Les: This doesn’t look good, Gordy, not at all. There’s the kick down the right side, nobody can get to it! The Necros are moving in and…

Gordy: Chubs has the ball! He’s breaking away, run you pudgy little piggy, run!!!

Les: Chubs Chinflab has just collapsed, heart attack? Asthma attack? We’re not sure, but his day is done. The ball is loose.

Gordy: And the Necros have it again! Great handskills, and there it is the final score. 4-0 The Un-grateful Dead crush the Flings.

Les: That’s the way it happens sometimes Gordy. Thankfully the match is over, and now I’m off to see some real entertainment!

Gordy: Going to the post game meal?

Les: Ha! No way! I’m off to watch Zara’s handlers try to retrieve her corpse from the Necros! This should be good!

Gordy: Good thinking, Les! Signing off for MBBWT, I’m Gordy Muffinthief. Have a great week! Hey! Les! Wait for me!

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Last edited by EastCoast on Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 2:54 am 
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Awesome logo!

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What is Nuffle's view? Through a window, two-by-three. He peers through snake eyes.
What is Nuffle's lawn? Inches, squares, and tackle zones: Reddened blades of grass.
What is Nuffle's tree? Risk its trunk, space the branches. Touchdowns are its fruit.


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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 4:14 pm 
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Brilliant commentary writing!
That's the perfect blend of humour for Blood Bowl... :D

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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2013 5:07 pm 
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If a person can't have fun with 'flings, then there is just no hope for them. :D


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 Post subject: Re: The Half Baked Flings
 Post Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:08 am 
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mattgslater wrote:
Awesome logo!


I know, right?! Thegloater made it up for me, turns out he's a Fling fan. I am actually trying to get it printed on a green and gold t-shirt, but so far none of the companies I've looked at seems capable of giving it the detail it deserves.


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