NITFA, SOMEWHERE IN THE OLD WORLD
The "Not In The Face" Bowl was played this past weekend for the dubious title of 'Not The Worst'. Our lads, the Red Mountain Hooligans, faced off against the extremely so-so Ogre conglomerate Mediogre and the match certainly lived down to expectations!
With the Critical Bowl coming up later the same afternoon, only 12,000 fans showed up early (and sober) enough to cheer for the two sides. The Hooligans took up a collection and hired a wizard, then cheated him on his fee so that they had enough left over to pay off a ref. That's good Goblinomics!
Coach 'Cheats' McGuire decided to hold onto the money a the coin toss went the Ogres way and they elected to punch the other players first. Also, to get the ball. Maybe.
The Hooligans sent out the Ed brothers, Bolt Throwa the Bombardier, Diamondhead Rex the Looney, and 7 Goblins. As the kick sailed through the air, the fans suddenly got really involved and rioted! Once the refs got them back to their seats (the ones that survived), the match carried on!
Ogre Common Carl greeted rookie Armstrong by badly hurting the goblin right off the line. Welcome to the big leagues! Tolerable Tim, also an ogre, scooped up the ball and headed for midpitch. Coach Dan sent in his journeySnot to foul Big Ed and knocked the troll out! The ref, trying to curry favor with Coach McGuire and his gold, ejected the tiny cheater!
Steady Eddy the Pogoer Koed a Snot as the Goblins moved into defensive position. Bolt Throwa saw a line of ogres ready for a well-thrown bomb...but he doesn't throw them well. His bomb drifted right back to him, knocking him out of the game!
The ogres moved across midpitch, stunning Rex with his own saw, and continued to play much better than their boneheaded reputation! Ogre Ordinary Oscar got cocky and ran downfield like a receiver! He was gang-blocked by Steady Eddy and KOed! King Joe was so furious he didn't get to feed the ogre a boot he almost killed Eddy himself!
After more brilliant positioning and a veritable coaching clinic, the teams began to show their true colors. Stephen So-So tried to smash Jimmy Two-Boots but a well-placed goblin elbow applied directly to ogre gut sent them both down, despite the ogre being three times stronger! Sadly, no one was hurt but the same could not be said for Harry Humdrum, Ogre #3, as he met the business end of Rex's chainsaw (that would be the spinning, point side) and was badly hurt!
The turning point of the drive came with Steady Eddy bounced into the Ogre cage and tested his mettle against the ballcarrying ogre Tolerable Tim and brought the big guy down! He then leapt over two other players and went for the ball but fumbled it away! That won't look good during contract negotiations, "Steady" Eddy!
The ogres then suffered a sweeping epidemic of boneheadedness and didn't know what Coach Dan meant as he screamed, "KILL THE POGO!!!" Eddy saw his chance and went for the ball, scooping it up this time but then turning around to deliver an obscene gesture to the ogre sideline. He then promptly failed to dodge away from the last snoting in his way and fell over, fumbling the ball again. As both teams fell over each other trying to gather up the ball, King Joe ended the half by trying to dodge out for a foul and tripping over a tiny snotling leg.
Halftime 0-0 at the Not In The Face Bowl! It should be called the Not In The Endzone Bowl!
Coach McGuire bribed the refs to allow Diamondhead Rex back in for the second half as Bolt Throwa was simply moved by a stretcher from the KO box to the Ejected Box. No one even woke him up!
Speaking of the O box, both Ed brothers returned but Mediogre returned no one! THe ogres fielded 4 of their own, plus 2 snotlings while our lads were playing at full strength! The Hooligans gathered up the kick, and laid into the ogre line, felling then like trees but they proved too tough to remove. King Joe finally got to wind up and deliver a bonecrushing foul with FOUR assists...and was immediately ejected! When told later the ogre survived, Joe blamed the ref for "chuckin' me after I only booted 'im once!' I don't even get warmed up until three or four good bounces on the same skull!"
midway through the half, all the snots had been removed and the 4 ogres could not get out of their own way long enough to derail the Hooligan cage! Goblin Elwood later said, "So this is what Dwarves feel like when they play us? We should all get beards!"
Coach McGuire didn't let up despite the lads' on-pitch success, sending Shinzo in for a foul and getting him tossed as well. Coach immediately reminded the ref of his recent 'donation' and the ref responded with, "What have you done for me lately?"
As the Hooligans escort Eddy down the field, the ogres began smashing any goblin trying to tie them down. Diamondhead Rex went out, as did "Future Cas" Kazlowski. Dizzy Dirk swung around so wildly he ran right into rookie Elwood and knocked them both down! A probability wizard was used to rewind time and this time Dizzy smashed himself in the face so hard that three giant skulls appeared in the air above him for a moment before disappearing! Fans in the stand swore it was a magical moment that even got them to stop drinking and fighting for a moment at least! Dirk went down and out of the game while Elwood was credited in the post-game stats with one casualty!
Eddy made a break for it and the ogres that could shake off the goblins hanging on their legs gave chase! Troll Bait was injured as he hilariously tried to dive in front of a charging ogre! Bug meet windshield...on a deathroller!
Mainstream Mikey was within grabbing distance of a frantically bouncing Eddy when the air began to crackle with energy! A lightning bolt lit up the morning air as it bounced off Mikey's thick skull and sent him to the pitch! That gave Eddy the room he needed to escape and leap into the endzone! Touchdown Hooligans!
Coach McGuire cautioned his players to not get excited as the ogres have been known to score quickly by disregarding the safety of their snotlings! However, the kick sailed so far back that the snotling throw was impossible and the match was called because they needed to get the pitch ready for the real game - the Critical Bowl! But who cares?
THE RED MOUNTAIN HOOLIGANS ARE YOUR NOT IN THE FACE BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!
After the game, Bolt Throwa was voted MVP for playing one turn, KOing himself, and sleeping through the rest of the game. Since it was such a long shot that he won, he vowed to begin practicing his Hail Mary Pass skills before next season!
Speaking of next season, Coach McGuire confirmed that the team will be back for one more season. "Our victory lap", he said, "will be over the backs and faces of fallen foes. We may not win much on the pitch but we will win the hearts of fans worldwide!" When most of his players began making exaggerated puking noises, Coach then added, "By foulin' and chainsawin' and gob-throwin' and being the rowdiest, cheatin'est, goblin crew this side of the Lowdown Rats!"
Thanks to everyone who followed along with this ridiculous blog! I had fun writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it! I hope to do more write-ups next season but I may shorten them.