Flame Bowl III Smack Talk

[Wightlord]

Don't you think you should call time on all the booty battering Sid? Time's up on this one I reckon...

Or will Schmee and I have to record another number?!

But we like all your records!

[shaniepoo]

Don't you think you should call time on all the booty battering Sid? Time's up on this one I reckon.

I think we should let everyone else be the ones to decide that Pip...?

[thechosengobbo]

Call time? Call time? I've only been present for one year of it. We have 3/4 of the original PBB's for this event! Plus we've replaced the 4th with Shane, so we've only really improved.

More importantly, we've still got the business cards. Ask us again once we've run out...

[Pipey]

Grave news from the GBBL forum...

Captain Stick has 'declared war' on the 'forces of evil within Blood Bowl'.

He has labeled the following groups as 'deviant and dangerous': those associated with Manchester, all other cockneys including Londoners, and the twisted subterranean internet folk who continue to play an outdated and discredited form of the game.

He has requested that GBBL members act with 'extreme vigilance' should they encounter anyone fitting into one of these categories.

[Purplegoo]

He has labeled the following groups as 'deviant and dangerous': ... and the twisted subterranean internet folk who continue to play an outdated and discredited form of the game.

He has requested that GBBL members act with 'extreme vigilance' should they encounter anyone fitting into one of these categories.

Grave news indeed!

What say he to the claims that two GBBL members (the Captain himself and his subordinate; the man they call 'Don') are actually two of the most prolific English deviants playing that evil, twisted ruleset on the interwebmegasuperhighway?

There is a cancer in your midst, Pippy, one that will be dealt with come the Flame Bowl.

[Joemanji]

Cast them out! Replace them with mamapepe and that girl.

[Podfrey]

Methinks Capt'n Stikkins is trying early deflection tactics to masque his own corrupt soul.....

Oust him Pippy, for the good of Bloodbowl

[stanrichardson]

How dare you!

Our Brave Capt and The Don are only there to collect names and numbers of those deviants.

All they do this at great risk to their own souls!

Pippy do not listen to Jeff try to cause disharmy in our rightous team.

[Hangus]

Grave news from the GBBL forum...

Captain Stick has 'declared war' on the 'forces of evil within Blood Bowl'.

He has labeled the following groups as 'deviant and dangerous': those associated with Manchester, all other cockneys including Londoners, and the twisted subterranean internet folk who continue to play an outdated and discredited form of the game.

He has requested that GBBL members act with 'extreme vigilance' should they encounter anyone fitting into one of these categories.

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ......which one am I?

[Coach]

Guess I'm the only one attending the tournament not classed as a deviant then.

Oops wrong tournament, that's what I get for posting when I should be working! Looks like the tournament will just be full of deviants, good luck all.

[SillySod]

Stan - how can a geordie not know how to spell Geoff? Or are you a "jordie"?

Guess I'm the only one attending the tournament not classed as a deviant then.

I think its more that captain stick hasnt yet got wind of your presence.

[stanrichardson]

Watch it Sod, we can easily break you again.

But we will make sure that PeteW can't save you.

[Ironjaw]

Not that I'm into this 'Banter' thing, but as captain i feel the need to say...

He has labeled the following groups as 'deviant and dangerous': those associated with Manchester...

He's from Preston, which is a smaller, wankier version (and I despise Mancs)

all other cockneys including Londoners

This statement makes no sense.

the twisted subterranean internet folk who continue to play an outdated and discredited form of the game

Brilliant...he has 3000 FUMBBL games under his belt you bell end.

Grave news from the GBBL forum...Captain Stick

Stick is about as Geordie as Nick is working class


Good stuff from the North-East brain society as always...

whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ......which one am I?

Pippy forgets Hangus shocker!

What's up Pip?? Still sore about shipping 5?

Talk about deflection! -5 is your magic number isn't it after Euro 2009?

[Pipey]

Tish and pish to your trifling quibbles. Capt Stick is only accountable to his own logic. So pipe down. Zip it. And while you're at it, shut the Duck up.

[Purplegoo]

I was in at work at 5am yesterday. So, with an empty office and more time than sense...

That's right, assorted Blood Bowlers, it's time for;

Purplegoo's Purple Picks Special Edition; Flame Bowl!

Team Mox: WilburS, Behindu, Martel, Chilblain

Geoff Porritt has described Behindu as 'The most exciting development since I realised I wasn't firing blanks'. That's quite a build up for the new Waterbowler, but his early promise in the league proves he is a building force. Wilbur Spoons is someone who has been around the block enough to pose a significant challenge; his efforts will be redoubled if he faces Dave Downes in a battle of the Postmen. Who will be privatised? Surely a match-up we all hope to see, as the delivery experts battle it out. Martel has taken a year off from his one man sponsorship of the Grand National, and I'm excited to see how he performs in a different form of race. Chillblain is a new name to me, but if he's associated with this motley crew, you can tell he must have quality. Like Motley Crue, only with less drugs. Maybe. Perhaps he should change his handle to Doctor Feelgood?

Prediction: 10th. Flame on Team B.5?

Did you know: Wilbur went to school with Kriss Akabusi, and Martel only eats things in twos; meaning the Twix bar is a staple of his diet.

Flame on Team C: Nethrag, Sean, Vodrake, Grotsmeg

Team C! Wait, team C? That's what it says here. Vodrake, Sean, Nethrag and Grotsmeg make up the one of two teams that can call this tournament home turf, and despite being under the radar, can no doubt make a Block action with the best of them. I have been lurking on the Flame On forum to do some journalistic homework on these Gentlemen (a good start - that), followed by some stalking and visiting their homes, rifling through their bins, licking their cats, etc. Here is what I've discovered; they're animals. I can't post on this quiet forum the filth these four are up to in their day to day lives, but it's enough to not even make it onto Stick's i-phone, and we've all seen some of that. BloodBowl needs a bit of a spruce up, and get any of these guys a drink, and you'll never be the same again in the morning.

Prediction: 11th. It had to be someone, Gents.

Did you know: Vodrake owns 3% of the internet, and Sean's keyboard has no 'E' key, meaning any post he makes is usually cryptic and full of errors.

Team Creamy Friends / Brutal Deluxe: Leipziger, NorthernKnight, Beanbag, FireOli

A Waterbowl / Welsh combination to fear if ever I saw one. Brutal Deluxe delivered a highly respectable performance last year, and the chaps are back again for more of the same. Fireoli exists mainly through the massive ticket sales to his massive gun show, second only to the Take That reunion tour in sales nationwide in 2010. He has issued a fatwa against Robbie Williams, but strongly denies it publically. Beanbag is in good form, finishing the Stunty Slam on the top table and gaining a notable draw with Geoff Porritt in the final round. He has a more athletic build than Oli, but is no less attractive, man fans. Expect this duo to perform most solidly, and handy backup Leipziger and Northern Knight to also put in results. Alex is the evil genius behind the Waterbowl, and many say that he is slowly beginning to become dominant on the BloodBowl field leading up to Amsterdam 2011, and Northern Knight is one of the driving forces behind trying to get the Welsh (don't laugh; the Scots are hardly Scottish) on the map.

Prediction: 7th. A slight fall for Deluxe, but they'll give someone a fright.

Did you know? Northern Knight cannot spell Mississippi, and Leipziger learnt German primarily by listening to Kraftwerk.

GBBL presents: Gazza's Tears: Stick, Pippy, Don_Vito, Stan the man

Last years controversial Champions return to the Flame Bowl with less ringers and more noise. Captain Stick is one of the UK's form horses, and much as things can change instantly in Blood Bowling circles, his time for the glue factory will be put off if he can lead his team to glory once again. Questions will be asked if the GBBL have to play Rycros fronted team 'Kings and Leon', as it is possible several Pakistani bookmakers will be innundated with flutters on the infamous Rapdog falling on his sword at the request of the Postman. Don Vito returns for the Champs, looking to improve on last year's impressive haul, and the infamous Winkle Picka himself, Stan Richardson, completes the quartet. Rumour has it that Stan has no interest in the BB, and has only signed up for the Zoolander-esq strut off with Nipples and Mubo on the Saturday night to claim the much debated 'Best dressed man in BB' trophy. Stan will only be helped by the sexy bandanas the GBBL will be forced to wear after an ill fated bet. If he can look good in that, he's a worthy Champion.

Prediction: 1st. The GBBL will find a way to win even when they clearly haven't won. Again.

Did you know? Don Vito has described Blueberrys as 'Overrated', and Stick only worked in Leicester the once.

Pippy's Booty Bashers II (or III?): Whightlord, Shaneipoo, Chosen Gobb, BIG PETE

This team boasts last year's individual Champion, Wightlord. He's back to defend his title, and this column sees him as a contender once again. He's forged an entire team focussed on Bren's backside, and to be honest, we can't blame him. All that time at sea; I'm pretty sure loneliness sets in. Rear Admiral Shanipoo began day two facing Bren at the RocketBowl, so it's just as likely that he is the coming force as Rapdog falling from grace, one to watch? Stories of 'the dance' at the first Flame Bowl are some of the most debauched, endearing and eye-bleachingly worrying images I've ever heard (that works?); so watch this foursome for moments to conjure with. The Chosen Gobbo and BIG PETE are seldom seen apart, so team spirit isn't going to be an issue here. Take these two men of the Waterbowl lightly at your peril.

Prediction: 9th. I feel this team will yo-yo around midtable for a while, but then lose a few spots late as Shane abandons the board for a nearby pole. Or a Russian.

Did you know: The Chosen Gobbo was actually chosen as a Snotling, but had the operation around five years ago. Wightlord refuses to join the UK's second house until John Prescott is removed.

Team Paincake: Jim, Mubo, Joe, Polarbear

Paincake, Hurtflan, Stubbedquiche, it doesn't matter what the name is, the theme remains the same. Self appointed Admiral Jim Gradwell noisily leads last year's third placed team, and they're as strong as ever. The Nick, Joe and Jim triumbarate is the crucible of the team, but don't count out dice spinning, pace guru Rob, who actually lives in the Matrix. This accounts not only for the pace he plays at, but also the rumours he is the 'One' (I'm sure that's what Jim confessed over a few beers the other night?). Nick Harding might be the nicest man in Blood Bowl, but hyper competitive Joemanji has been bombarding him with an average of 67772 e-mails a day in the lead up to the big event, whipping Mubo into a whirling dervish of hardcore beatdowning. This side is one to watch!

Prediction: 3rd. The lads will retain their third place, and make a lot of noise about how unfair it is.

Did you know? Joemanji was once within a final interview of being chosen as the Milkybar Kid in the eighties (he later described the decision not to pick him as 'Horseshit', and has only eaten dark chocolate since), and Rob is the twin brother of Aston Villa midfield ace, Nigel Rio Coker.

Team Scotland: Valen, Jordell, DonShula, Purdinas

The Flower of Scotland is a thistle. How apt then that Gavin leads his troops over the border (read: 5-6 miles down the road for el Capitan) to have at it with 10 teams representing the English Rose. There is talk of a Wembley-esq looting of the venue, leading to the restaurant employing numerous extra security staff for the weekend. All of this rumour and conjecture shouldn't detract from the fact that the Scots might well put in an excellent performance. Valen is an ample leader, and despite being quiet on the UK scene for a while now, has been harbouring a deep hunger for victory this year. Jordell has been called up by the Jocks in a shock move, but as this column constantly reminds people, even Englishmen can wear skirts, 99% of us just don't want to. Purdinas and Donshula are hardened old EuroBowl campaigners, and these guys will be picking up points left, right and centre.

Prediction: 6th. The first two rounds will be spent learning the anthem and watching Braveheart (a story, I remind you, in which England wins at the end), and that might ultimately be costly.

Did you know? Gavin doesn't actually like board games, he just hangs out with us to look cool, and Donshula is taking Don Vito to court next year for all rights to Mafioso nicknames.

The Kings and Leon: Ironjaw, Geggster, Rycros, Grumbledook

This new team has a top class pedigree, sporting UK Champion and England Captain, P P P P P P P P Paul Gegg. Paul used to play Table Tennis for the southern counties, and met hetero life mate 'Dangerous' Dave Downes on the ill fated SC 1981 Ping Pong tour of Bejing. This solid bond has propelled this twosome to great things, and you'd have to be an idiot to bet against the axis of experience (although, yes, I have..). The team is captained by Leon, recently informed by RBS that simply shouting would not making the recession go away, but the thought was what mattered. Grumbling Grumbledook makes up the fearsome foursome, although he has already claimed that most of Manchester is rubbish and has been improved upon elsewhere.

Prediction: 2nd. This top calibre outfit can't not podium.

Did you know? Grumbledook has actually started a fight in an empty room, but lost, and Dave Downes designed the Mexican flag on a 1972 acid inspired art binge.

GBBL presents: Local Heroes: Schmee, Jeeves, Hangus, Zedisdead

The second offering from our Mackem baiting buddies is headed up by brains of the operation, Jeeves. This formidable Blood Bowling thinker is pondering a move to a new Star turn (perhaps Zara, they say), but either way, he'll be tough to beat. Rent a ringer Big Ben will bolster the side (afterall, ringers did the business this time last year), and we know he can turn out quality results. The man they call Schmee is a wiley, canny campaigner, and relative rookie Zedisdead wouldn't be here just to make up the numbers. They say that Schmee is supplying the entire team with texts upon which to roll, this reporter is betting on either Deathtrap Dungeon, Lady Chatterly's Lover, Ross Kemp on Gangs, or printed pages from this website. I like many bets.

Prediction: 8th. They may be the surprise package in terms of results not going their way; prove me wrong, boys!

Did you know? Schmee was the ghost writer of Dean Gaffney's autobiography, and Hangus refuses to text message.

Flame On Team B: Barney, Sizzler, Ninja, Zoglug

The infamous, inflammable, inaccurate, immature implosion of Flame on Team B return for another tilt at the top. The most underrated duo in BloodBowl, Barney and the boiled rice Sizzler, are flanked by Ninja and Zoggy, both of whom can also play a bit. Sizzler spends most evenings almost split in two; his natural, easy going, happy go lucky attitude fights an internal war with his need to powergame, and it's a wonder he's not yet been institutionalised. His hatred of vegetables is legendary, and he hopes to lead FOTB to glory this time around. Barney is well known as the UK's #1 Ogre coach, so that in itself tells you that here is an unhinged individual. Ninjahamster and Zoglug might think they're in it for kicks and giggles, but this reporter predicts greater things for Team B, the tournament dark horse.

Prediction: 5th! It's time for FOTB to come of age, beginning at the Flame Bowl.

Did you know? Ninjahamster was the original drummer for the hair metal band Poison, but was fired after an opium binge. Zoglug invented the mouse mat.

Geoff Porritt's Swim Team: Purplegoo, Podfrey, SillySod, Ambush

The Swim Team are an amalgomation of last year's runners up, team White Isle, a previous winner, and Geoff Porritt's productive loins. The task of knitting together these mercinaries and vagabonds falls to perennial interweb associate, Purple le Goo. Team building masterfully, the quest for one better this year has begun in earnest. I cannot release many details from within my own camp, but suffice to say, it's on. If my plan comes together, you'll all be drowning in swim team come the end of the Flame Bowl. However, having predicted we'll finish fourth, clearly it's not the best plan.

Prediction: 4th.

Did you know? 'Don't call me' Geoffry Frazer Eden once appeared in a Madonna video as a backing dancer (you can only identify him if you've seen 'that' tattoo), and Sillysod is a massive racist.

Special prize if you got to the end of this drivel, and if you identify the one true 'Did you know'.